


memoirs of how I loved you

by blushingprince



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caretaking, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 03:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19348372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blushingprince/pseuds/blushingprince
Summary: Said man and blonde turned over, sitting up, and looked at Niles curiously. Niles moved close to the bed, trying to find the right words to begin apologizing or to let him know he was glad he was okay, but confusion clouded over in Leo’s eyes.“Who are you?” Leo asked.or, the amnesia au nobody asked for





	1. prelude

It all happened so fast.

 

Leo and Niles had settled together in a cozy apartment in a location proximate to both of their jobs. It was happy, cozy, warm, serene. Leo adopted many houseplants and Niles often cooked for him. Both of them had too many books to put together in bookshelves properly and enjoyed the company of another - lounging around to their heart's content, laughing with joy and melody when they were not busy with work. It was a simple but dynamic relationship built on resolute trust and when they decided to move in together, they could not imagine parting. 

 

The apartment had plenty of sunshine and bright windows, a master bedroom, and a wonderful tub that the two of them loved to take their time in. It was exciting and frightening choosing it and all the more together. But it was theirs. And that was all they needed. 

 

Leo worked at a high-end financial office. It wasn’t his true passion but he was diligent and good with numbers, and also his father’s influence. He loved words, secretly, and was always working on some writing. Meanwhile, Niles worked as a copyeditor. He enjoyed reading and writing and was able to land a job after many years and hard work in the industry. Together they owned a massive library and their living space was timelessly littered with coffee and tea mugs. The tea collection, too, was something to speak of, with a large cabinet in the kitchen wholly filled with an assortment of teas and the aroma so strong when someone approached. 

 

One who might not know Leo would assume he was cold but he saved all his reservations for Niles - all his smiles and warmth. His family was relentless and always on his back and it was only after some time of being with Niles, and with Niles’ support that he decided to stop contacting them. They never wanted the best for him, they always pushed unhealthy things onto him - and his father… Leo would rather do without his father. Leo really did save all his warmth for Niles - the one person who saw him and not just another machine, another pawn, another number. He was sweet and he was gentle. Their moments were intimate. Niles returned his sweetness full force, burying him in affection every day. Niles only wanted the best for him, after all. 

 

Things were happy for some time. Peaceful. They were happy. The summer was warm and forgiving and they could forget their worries. They continued on as always - working, sleeping, having sex, eating, going out, hanging around, reading, writing, thinking, being.

 

Things changed, slowly.

 

Leo’s job promoted him and both of them thought it was for the better. They celebrated that night, happy, thoughtless, full of kisses and mirth. But with a new promotion came new responsibility and so much work.  Leo was good at it, at first. He tried to keep his composure. 

 

It didn’t quite work.

 

He started to become more withdrawn at home. He needed to get more work done and didn’t have enough time to do it. He was constantly stressed out. He couldn’t sleep. He had terrible anxiety. He would work on his laptop at home. Eventually, Niles started to notice when Leo wouldn’t join him on the couch, wouldn’t join him for dinner, wouldn’t join him in bed, wouldn’t smile.

 

Niles frowned.

 

Leo became consumed by his job. He was always a perfectionist but he saw in black and white and needed everything to be perfect. He wouldn’t rest, close his eyes, or sleep until the job was utterly exhausted. He was always like that - it was just not this bad until he had  _ this much work _ .

 

Niles noticed Leo being gone astutely but wasn’t sure how to approach the topic. He knew it must be hard on Leo, who was already anxious and stressed out - but at the same time he missed Leo and it was affecting their relationship. He felt himself more and getting upset. But it wasn’t Leo’s fault, right? Leo loved him, right? Niles felt himself getting insecure.

Leo loved him. Right?

 

But Leo came home later and later. He worked more and more. And they saw each other less and less. Finally, Niles decided to say something. He felt nauseous about it and sick to his stomach, not to mention the time he cried about it, simply missing his boyfriend. 

 

Leo came home that night late. It was past 1 AM but Niles waited diligently by the front door, sitting in a chair and fidgeting. Leo looked dead in the eyes but he saw Niles and stopped, locking the door and setting his things down.

 

“Niles,”

 

“Hey,” Niles’ response was weak.

 

Leo might have noticed Niles’ tone because he moved to sit across from him. “How come you’re up this late?” Leo asked.

“I was waiting for you,” Niles paused, “I want to talk,”

 

Leo froze. Was Niles breaking up with him? He knew he had been a shitty boyfriend lately… 

 

“Ok, let’s talk…”

 

Niles watched Leo, watched his face and his eyes, and then started. “Leo, I know you have your job. But… this is hard. I feel like I never see you anymore.”

 

Leo swallowed. It was true. He felt awful. “I know…”

 

Niles felt the words get stuck in his throat. “It hurts, y’know? I just… It does. I miss you.”

 

Leo was hurting Niles? He could almost feel his soul shatter. He reached out his hand to place it atop Niles’. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do this to you. I’ll work harder on being attentive.”

 

Niles smiled back at him and Leo swallowed him up in a hug. Things would be ok.

 

But things didn’t change.

 

Time went on, but Leo didn’t try, or he didn’t try hard enough, or who knows what. The work ate him up alive and he left Niles alone.

 

Alone.

 

Alone.

 

Alone.

 

And Niles cried.

 

Niles tried to bring it up again. He didn’t want to lose Leo. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want the relationship to become this. He rejected everything about this. But Leo was making him hurt so much. He loved Leo with everything he had, his entire soul, but Leo left him alone. Maybe he tried a little, but it wasn’t enough. Niles felt the pain burn through him and leave him raw and ragged. How much more could he take? He missed him. He missed him. Oh God, he missed him. He never felt like the clingy type before but Leo was simply  _ gone _ .

 

He was honestly lucky to see him in the morning or catch a glimpse at all. 

There only came more tears. Until, Niles decided, that maybe, he should end things. Even if he loved Leo, he wasn’t reciprocating properly. And it wasn’t fair to him, no matter how much he loved him. And oh God did he fucking love him. He would probably never love someone like this again.

 

Leo came home a few nights later and Niles was waiting. It felt like Leo knew. It was cold and awkward at best. 

 

“Hey,” Leo called out.

 

“Hey,” Niles responded. “We need to talk,” 

 

And this time, Leo knew it was the end. 

 

Leo walked into the kitchen where Niles was. There was no food, like the dinners and breakfasts Niles usually lovingly cooked. No, that was a long gone thing of the past. It was cold and lonely, even with both of them standing there. All the happiness and mirth was gone. All the memories, ruined.

 

In one raspy, ragged breath, Niles breathed out. “We have to end this.”

 

Leo smiled sadly. “I guess so.”

 

Niles chuckled, but the sound was like a morose cry for help. “So you’re not even going to ask me to stay?”

 

“I know what I did wrong,”

 

“I guess so,” Niles responded. And he felt dead. He felt his world collapsing inside him. He wanted to reach out to Leo and to hold him, to grab him and cry.  _ No - ask me to stay! Ask me!!! Please… _ But Leo didn’t want him anymore. He felt his soul being crushed. He couldn’t stand another single second of this. He couldn’t look or feel or hear. Leo. Leo. Leo.

 

Leo opened his mouth again. “I’m going out of town for the weekend. I’ll move out after. You at least deserve the apartment.”

 

_ What? What the fuck? _

 

Niles couldn’t bring himself to say anything. The words felt dead on his mouth. He went to sleep that night somehow but the tears didn’t stop. 

 

The next morning, there was a note on the kitchen table and Leo was gone.

 

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you _

_ I really am _

_ I love you, Niles, and I’m sorry _

_ That I suck at showing it _

_ -leo  _

 

What...the fuck? Why did Leo write this if he was leaving? Niles felt the tears start a new. He should have gone after Leo! He should have asked him to stay. But no… it was Leo’s fault they were here in the first place.  _ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! _ Niles cursed endlessly. Why was Leo so fucking dense? Couldn’t he see that he still loved him, even if he was a shitty boyfriend? Niles wanted him to stay, no matter what, he just wanted Leo to uphold his end. 

 

_ Fuck. _ He would just have to wait for Leo to come back from his trip and then maybe they could make up. After all, he couldn’t imagine his life without Leo. And he wrote right there that he still loved him. 

 

________________

 

Niles slept strangely that night, full of nightmares and fire and fear. He woke up early in the morning and made a fresh cup of Assam tea while settling on a new read. It was hard to focus with Leo on his mind, though. Every other sentence he would backtrack and think about the fight… or the note or something else. Oh, god he really loved Leo, but that man was so stupid. To think that Leo  _ thought _ Niles didn’t want him anymore. Niles sighed and put his book down. Maybe some poetry? Pablo Neruda? No. Definitely not. He’d start crying instantly, thinking of the many times he’d read the poems to Leo. 

 

Instead, he chose to watch some tv for a change and dozed off for a while. After all, it was the weekend and he didn’t want to do anything. He was awoken from his snooze by the sound of his phone ringing. Niles grabbed it and answered.

 

“Yes, I’m Niles,”

 

He paused. What was he hearing? Leo was in a car crash and in the hospital? Was he badly injured? Niles panicked but forced himself to remain calm after hanging up off the phone. He threw on a jacket and got into his car.

 

Niles pretty much sped to the hospital, which wasn’t too far from his apartment but too close for comfort. He was ridden with anxiety and needed to see Leo as soon as possible and make sure he was okay. 

 

He parked at the hospital and nearly ran inside. Upon finding Leo’s room number he made his way there as soon as possible. He burst open through the door to find that Leo was resting soundly. 

 

But it was Leo, and he looked okay and he was alive. Niles heart sang and he was tempted to kiss the man. 

 

Said man and blonde turned over, sitting up, and looked at Niles curiously. Niles moved close to the bed, trying to find the right words to begin apologizing or to let him know he was glad he was okay, but confusion clouded over in Leo’s eyes.

 

“Who are you?” Leo asked.

  
  



	2. missing you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> leo comes home and things are awkward

The blonde looked at him -  _ his Leo  _ looked at him - with completely vacant eyes. He didn’t recognize him at all.

 

Niles chuckled nervously. “It’s me, Niles?”

 

The look in Leo's eyes was totally different. He smiled pleasantly. “I’m sorry but I’ve never met you.”

 

What the fuck was going on. This was too awful to be a cruel joke. Memories of their times together flew through Niles’ mind and he couldn’t properly deduce what was going on in his panicked state. Just then, a nurse walked into the room.

 

“Are you his friend? I’m afraid he’s got amnesia, but we weren’t sure what he didn’t remember exactly.”

 

Niles looked at the ground pathetically. Amnesia? Of course, the world was spiting him for everything that happened. And just, of course, that Leo didn’t remember him. Forgot everything that happened to the two of them. He sagged pathetically. What now?

 

“Why was I contacted, then?” Niles mumbled.

 

“We had you as his emergency contact,” the nurse responded. “Otherwise, he’s only got minor injuries and should be fine, but he needs help adjusting back to life. Someone should see him home and he might need a lot of help at home. With like...basic things.”

 

And that was his part, right? They still lived together, technically, and Leo wouldn’t even remember half of it. He looked at this new Leo, who now frowned at him. He might as well introduce himself, right? If he was going to be looking after him. Since Leo had no one else. 

 

Niles walked back up to the bed and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Niles. We live together.”  _ God, I hate this so much _ .

 

“Are we roommates?” Leo asked.

 

Niles cursed God. “Kind of.”

 

_________________________

 

Leo was discharged relatively easily, with the doctor saying it was a miracle he escaped the crash so easily. Niles was grateful Leo was okay but helpless at what to do now. He drove Leo back to their apartment to start off and watched Leo explore the apartment they both once lovingly shared.

After a couple of minutes, Leo came back to the foyer where Niles waited. He seemed unhappy.

 

  
“What’s wrong?” Niles asked.

 

“There’s only one bed,” Leo complained

 

_ Oh. _

 

“Are you sure I live here?” Leo whined.

 

“Positive. Don’t worry about having to share a bed with me. I’ll sleep on the couch for now,” he said with a grimace.

 

“Oh. Ok. Sounds uncomfortable, though,” Leo scrunched his nose.

 

“Don’t worry. It turns into a sofa bed,”

 

Niles somewhat left Leo to his own devices after that, half watching him and wondering how much he changed with the loss of his memory. How much had he lost? He did feel bad for him, though, and knew he had to separate his own feelings from it. It must be harder on Leo. Suddenly losing your memory one day like that. 

 

Leo drifted in and out of the kitchen with a couple of books in tow. Niles watched him make tea but he wasn’t sure Leo knew what he was doing. Instead, Leo opted for a tea bag and sat at the kitchen table with his big pile of novels. Niles noted absentmindedly that he should probably make something for the two of them to eat. He reluctantly rose and pulled out last night’s leftovers - a chicken stir fry.

 

“Are you hungry?” Niles asked, his tone calm and blank.

 

Leo turned around to look at Niles. “Sure,”

 

“Sure?”

 

“Sure,” and Leo grinned and opened the book he was reading again. When was the last time Leo smiled like that? Before… he lost his memory, he was always stressed out with work and upset. That was a real genuine smile.

 

But that wasn’t his Leo.

 

There was some mistake. Because his Leo wasn’t coming back. Niles proceeded to warm up the food and reminded himself that this Leo was different. A whole new person

 

The couch was uncomfortable, but he would figure something out eventually. There was no way they were going to share a bed. 

 

___________________

 

It started as a simple question.

 

“Are you sure we were really roommates?” Leo asked while they ate breakfast.

 

Niles nearly choked on his milk. “Y-yeah, of course. Why?”

 

Leo had that sort of look on his face like he was thinking of something bigger. “There are lots of pictures of both of us together.” 

 

“We’re just really good friends,” Niles choked back.

 

“Also,” Leo elaborated, “there’s like…..a lot of condoms in my drawer?”

 

“Well,” Niles began, “I can’t really help you with that,”

 

“But why would two roommates have one bed?” Leo persisted in his questioning.

 

“Dunno,” Niles picked up his fork and kept eating.

 

He wasn’t going to let Leo know about their history. It was a secret as far as he knew. This Leo was a totally different person and he didn’t belong in his heart. Even if he looked the same and had the same voice…..he was different! It wasn’t ok. And Leo would never feel the same about him. He would never get those precious memories back. So what was the point! Fuck! 

 

_________________

Things could get pretty awkward, as Leo was still prone to dizziness and weakness spells and needed help with various basic things. That night, Leo innocently asked Niles to help him into the bath so he wouldn’t fall asleep or slip.

 

Niles internally groaned. Yes, of course, he wanted to help Leo but did this have to involve looking at him naked? Nevermind, it wasn’t a big deal. He just wouldn’t look. 

 

Niles waited patiently in the evening as Leo filled the tub (their tub) with steamy water and that lavender jasmine bubble bath that used to be his favorite. Niles sat in the corner of the bathroom and noted how awkward Leo seemed to get undressed. It was kind of cute, but it was funny in retrospect because Niles had seen him naked so many times and knew his body so well. To see him being shy now….was weird. 

 

Niles had to remind himself. Again and again. This isn’t Leo. This isn’t my Leo. Like a secret prayer that would protect his heart. He helped Leo get into the tub and sat down so he could watch over him. 

 

All the worrying had tired him out, and despite wanting to watch over Leo, he started to doze off. That is until he felt fingers in his hair. Familiar fingers. Leo. He paused. No, it wasn’t Leo. It was Leo but it wasn’t Leo.

 

“Leo?” he asked.

 

“Sorry,” and he quickly pulled his fingers away, “I just wanted to try touching it,”

 

Niles’ curiosity was piqued. “My hair?”

 

“It looks soft.” Memories of laying in bed with Leo for hours and Leo stroking his hair flooded his mind.

 

“And is it?” 

 

“Yea…” Leo paused. “Hey, Niles?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Whoever you are… I can tell you were someone important to me… so…” Niles held his breath. “I’m sorry… that I don’t know who you are. That I can’t remember you,”

 

Niles’ breath hitched softly. “It’s okay,”

 

_ He’s not Leo He’s not Leo He’s not Leo He’s not Leo He’s not Leo _

 

Niles went to sleep on the sofa bed with tears in his eyes, yearning for a man he wasn’t sure still existed. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : )

**Author's Note:**

> :^)  
> I know I always start fics and never finish them but believe in me


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